The one thing to remember is, these 'thoughts' are all 'independent' of each other, thus there's no real continuity whatsoever...you could throw all these in a hat and mix them up, and the order would be most likely just as effective as the presentation here...
OK, SO...don't say I didn't warn y'all...
January 13, 2012
The lower the billboard, the shorter the clientele.
Breaking toes by the dozen.
He eats a gallon of oysters a day…that’s why we call him “Oysterman”.
Hamsters without wood chips.
Mildly Distressed Housewives.
January 19, 2012
Nightmare Dinner Host.
Her kinfolk have infested our house…hm? What’s that, honey? …Oh, pardon me, they are ‘just visiting’, according to her… I’ve called the Orkin dude, just in case…
I’m not internationally known, but I’m known to rock the microphone…
Whales wail in Wales.
She bellows out cryptic Polynesian war chants.
January 27, 2012
Cheetos without orange fingers.
Your Patronage, While Not Fully Understood, Is Nevertheless Appreciated.
You know, there was a time when all this hand-waving, toe-tapping, and inaudible warbling under one’s breath just wasn’t allowed in a pinochle tournament…it’s truly a sad day for the game…
Department of Redundancy Department.
Brain surgery for people who don’t have any brains to start with…
February 2, 2012
Some dude just called from the Stubbed Toe Society.
…The concept of “time” is little more than a mundane numerical system contrived by alleged “intellectuals”, which may as well be based upon the number of raindrops that fall upon one’s outstretched palm before it obtains a prune-like texture…
Sweaty polish women with undulating breasts appear, asking me for claw hammers and pick axes!
Rap groups without YO.
February 11, 2012
Yo-yos with strings attached.
Food vendors overheard working the stands at the recent Moroccan Camel Derby: “COOS-COOS…TABOOLI… COOS-COOS…TABOOLI…”
He has false teeth with braces on them.
Is ogling a woman illegal in this state?
…Stunned by the sudden shifting of Teutonic plates, the morbidly obese seismologist laboriously turns and mumbles some technical jargon towards the camera, in a vain attempt to save face; but in the final analysis, he only accomplishes spraying stale cruller crumbs forth from his cavernous craw…
June 11, 2012
He once had a nosebleed. She solved the problem by shoving mass quantities of cotton up his snoot. However, it was so compacted, that he could not remove it, hence he developed laryngitis and died, as was to be expected with a snoot full of cotton. She didn’t show at his funeral. After all, she killed him, why should she bury him?
…Oh, by the way, how’s your mother? Yes, your MUTHA…. I know she’s there, because I can hear her BARKING in the background…
...Thomas Alva Edison suddenly appears in a vision, apparently disgruntled about something…
The lady at the haberdashery asked me if I needed some help; I said “no thanks, just looking”… then she said “Well, if you need help, my name is Carol…” …weird – she was the first person I’ve ever met that had a conditional identity… what if I DIDN’T need help? What would her name be then? Huh?