Friday, February 10, 2012

Interview with a worker at a local food processing plant...

...the following quote was reputedly gleaned from an impromptu interview of a employee at the Laffy Apple Food Processing Plant somewhere between Sheboygan and Paducah...

“…Yeah my name's Jimmy Joe-Bob Waddlewart and I works the chopped nut turntable down at the Laffy Apple Company yeah its just a big round turntable-like-deal constantly spinning around with chopped nuts on it yeah like walnuts or peanuts pretty much whatever we can get our hands on in the way of nuts is what we end up choppin’ up and usin’ for the Laffy Apple covering see and once we get the nut turntable up to full capacity and radial velocity then the robot apple holdin’ machine arm comes over and rolls the caramel covered apple around on the chopped nut turntable until the apple is covered with chopped nuts gotta be an even distribution of nuts yeah don’t want a bite of all caramel with no chopped nuts that wouldn’t be considered a Laffy Apple in my book or anyone else working at the Laffy Apple production facility no-sir-ee-bob chopped nut distribution is the key yeah if one of the apples fail to receive an even chopped nut distribution throughout its circumference it is promptly taken off the line and chunked into a reject box see right there its just a cardboard box with ‘rejects’ written on it with one of those big marks-a-lot markers you know the ones that smell funny well yeah so here’s the box sometimes I grab a few of those out and stick them in my Knight Rider lunchbox and take them home to the kids cause otherwise we just throw them in a hog trough or something I mean they are perfectly edible for humans and such but they just don’t have that even chopped nut distribution around their circumference so’s they don’t meet the exacting criteria that a Laffy Apple’s gotta meet no sir-ee but shoot my young uns ain’t worried bout that they just wantin’ somethin’ to gnaw on yeah I’m actually not that big on eatin’ caramel apples no I don’t like the way the apple skin gets all compacted in your teeth and that caramel all goms up in there too and really just feels kinda squirrelly to me yep shore does sometimes tho I just scoop up a handful of chopped nuts straight offa the turntable and eat ‘em whilst I work the line course I typically don’t have gloves on or anything I only put those on when either those durn fools from the health department show up or the Food TV people come in and wanna do a profile on the process of applying chopped nuts on a caramel apple cause honestly it’s the key step in the whole she-bang yes-sir-ee it ain’t a Laffy Apple ‘til them chopped nuts is applied on it yep yep yep even distribution that’s the key…” 

...unfortunately, not long after this interview was documented, Mr. Waddlewart was tragically killed in a bizarre production line accident, when his shirt sleeve got caught in the chopped nut turntable, which flung him approximately 40 feet across the facility floor into a crate of cored Granny Smiths... we here at NBABOH send our condolences to the Waddlewart family and the employees of the Laffy Apple corporation for their loss... and remind you that the next time you eat a Laffy Apple, remember the ultimate sacrifice made to ensure your enjoyment of that fine product.


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